Knowing Our Identity

I had the amazing privilege of speaking to the women at Take TWO last week. Here's the script...

I met an interesting character named Rahab in the Bible one day a few years ago. Her story struck a familiar chord with me. In her story, the Israelites have been wandering around in the wilderness – typical men didn’t ask for directions – and their great leader, Moses, has just died. A guy by the name of Joshua has taken over, and he is nearly ready to bring the Israelites into the land that God has promised to give them. He sends two spies into the land, into a city called Jericho, to scope out the city. Now, the people who live in Jericho have heard what’s been going on – the Israelites have been killing a lot of people – whole nations, basically – and they’re rightfully afraid. So when the king of Jericho finds out that these two spies are in his city, he’s a little ticked off. He’s afraid that the Israelites are going to come in, take his city, and kill him and all of his people.

These two spies enter the home of a prostitute named Rahab – most likely because it’s a pretty high-traffic area and they wouldn’t arouse much suspicion. She hides the spies when the king comes looking for them and helps them to escape from the city. She acknowledges that their Lord is the one true God and then asks them to return the favor when they come back to destroy the city. They agree, and when Israel returns and destroys Jericho, Rahab and her family are spared. Rahab’s actions not only save her family but also allow Israel to begin taking the land that God promised to give them.

It’s interesting that Rahab is even in the Bible, and the fact that she is mentioned shows how significant a role she played. First of all, she’s a woman. Sorry ladies, but women in ancient Israel were considered property and not people. Second, she’s a pagan – a non-Jew – referenced in a book about the history of the Jews, and she’s portrayed positively. Third, she’s a prostitute. It’s not everyday that a female pagan prostitute gets to play the hero in the Bible.

She even gets to be in Jesus’ family tree. She’s King David’s great-great grandmother, which makes her roughly 30 generations removed from Jesus. So Rahab has a pretty cool story. But here’s what I find most interesting about her. She’s mentioned twice more in the New Testament, once in the book of Hebrews and once in the book of James. Both of those authors talk about how faithful she was – James even goes as far as calling her righteous and comparing her faith to that of Abraham.

So what? What does a pagan prostitute from a million years ago have to do with my life today?

As it turns out, Rahab and I have a lot in common. Not the prostitute part – let’s make that clear; I don’t want any rumors to get started.

You see, the references to Rahab in Hebrews and James both refer to her as “Rahab the prostitute.” Neither author is willing to overlook her identity as a prostitute. Both of these books were written for a Jewish audience that would have been very familiar with the Old Testament. The Jews from back in the day didn’t have access to books, so most of the men had these stories memorized. They knew who Rahab was. They knew her story. Simply referring to her as Rahab would have been sufficient. So why did the authors feel the need to refer to her as “the prostitute?”

Perhaps they wanted to show that anyone, regardless of their sins, can believe in God and be made right with God. It’s easy to feel inferior to a guy like Abraham – he was just the father of all of Israel. He almost sacrificed his own son just to prove his faith to God. He was kind of a big deal. But then Rahab comes along, an outcast from society, someone from the bottom of the social heap, and she too is considered right with God. Interesting.

But I think there’s another possible reason for this. I wonder if the authors just can’t let it go – they just can’t overlook the fact that she was a prostitute. That’s who she was in the world. Being a prostitute was her true identity.

Or was it?

Maybe it wasn’t her true identity after all. Maybe it was only the identity that she had in this world.

Yes, she really was a prostitute. But maybe, just maybe, she was more than that – maybe there’s more to her story. Maybe, in her soul, she was something else. And maybe, just like Rahab, there’s more to your story than what the world says about you.

Many of you have probably heard about and lived under God’s grace. I didn’t. I grew up thinking that if I was going to go to heaven, I was going to have to earn my way there. I was going to have to earn God’s approval just like I had to earn my parents’ approval. I saw God as the scary judge. And then one day just a few years ago someone told me that wasn’t true. They said that there was this thing called grace. They said that Jesus took my punishment when He died on the cross, and if I accepted Him, I could have a relationship with God and go to heaven when I die.

Suddenly my world changed. I was free! I didn’t have to be afraid of death anymore!

So why was it that the only thing that really changed was my eternal destination? Not that that’s not huge – it is. But I only saw God’s grace as a get-out-of-hell-free card. I didn’t see it as something that could have a real impact on my life right now – it was reserved for the future.

Then about a year ago my life blew up. I don’t mean that things got a little hard. This was one of those times that rocked me to the very core of my being and forced me to question everything that I believe. Have you ever had one of those seasons? A season where the world seems to be completely against you? Where the things you care about disappear – or worse, are taken away?

What do you do with that? What do you do when it feels like everyone – especially God – is either against you or just flat gone? What do you do when you fall sobbing on your knees and don’t even think you have the strength to get back up? What do you do when you feel like you’re the prostitute in your own story – lower than low, rejected, labeled, condemned by those who don’t even know you? Where is God in that?

Well, He’s right here. Just trust Him. He loves you. He’ll work everything out for your good. He’ll take away your pain and make everything better. And if you’ve ever been told those things when you’re at the bottom of the pit, you’ve probably been tempted to punch the person who said that in the eye.

Why, if those things are true, do we not want to hear them? Why do they bother us so much, especially when we hear them during the hard seasons? Maybe it’s because we feel that our faith is being called into question. Maybe the answer just seems so trite, so religious, or so completely unrealistic. Just trust God to fix everything. Right. Have you not watched the news lately? Have you not seen my life? Because that’s not what’s happening – God’s not fixing stuff.

But what if trusting God to fix stuff is the whole problem? So many times we make God out to be our genie who pops out of the magic lamp at our beck and call to grant our every wish. What if instead of saying “God, fix this” I said “God, fix me?”

What if trusting God really means trusting Who He says He is and who He says I am? What if it means trusting my identity in Him instead of my identity in the world? The world may have just seen Rahab as a prostitute, but God surely didn’t. Look at what He did through her. And I can’t imagine she saw herself as just a prostitute either – I doubt she would have risked her life to save two strangers if that were her only identity. I have to believe that she saw herself as more than that. I think that’s what gave her the strength and the courage to do what she did.

The same can be true for us. This isn’t just a matter of surviving the really hard seasons, although it allowed Rahab to survive the Israelite invasion, and it allows us to make it through tough times. It’s also a matter of living the abundant life that Jesus came to give us. When we sow seeds of God’s truth in our lives, we then reap that abundant life because we find our identity in God instead of in the world. We’re free to live in joy instead of in fear and shame.

But what are seeds of God’s truth? What does God actually say about Himself and about us? Fortunately, He tells us Who He is and who we are in Him in the Bible. These are some examples of what God says about Who He is:

·He is compassionate and gracious; slow to anger and abounding in love (Psalm 103:8)
·He is good (Psalm 106:1) – This is the heart of God – His goodness. Yes, He is holy. Yes, He is righteous. Yes, He is a hundred other adjectives that church people like to throw around. But at the root of all of those things, God is good.
·He is trustworthy (John 8:26) – I’ll be honest, this is what I struggle with the most. Without the belief that God is trustworthy, none of the rest of what He says would matter – not if we didn’t have a reason to believe Him.
·He is love (1 John 4:16) – I once heard someone say that God doesn’t love us because we’re lovable. He loves us because He is love and He can’t not love us, so we can’t do anything to lose His love.
·He delights in us (Psalm 149:5) – The Hebrew for delight means to be pleased with or to accept favorably.
·He will never stop doing good to us (Jeremiah 32:40)
·He will give us the desires of our hearts (Psalm 37:4) – This verse is talking about the deepest desires of our hearts – things like feeling loved and having a purpose.
·He will never leave us or forsake us (Hebrews 13:5) – Isn’t it nice to think that we don’t have to live life alone?

And what God does say about who we are in Him, once we’ve accepted Jesus as our savior?

·We are made in His image (Genesis 1:27) – We have value. We matter to God. We are special to God.
·We are the children of God (1 John 3:1 et al) – We are loved and we share in His inheritance.
·We were chosen by Him when He planned creation (Ephesians 1:11-12)
·We are justified and have peace with God (Romans 5:1) – Justification means that we are forgiven and made right with God.
·We are not condemned (Romans 8:1) – God no longer sees our sins when He looks at us; rather, He sees the righteousness of Christ.
·We are saints (Romans 1:1) – We’re saints who sin, but we’re saints no less.
·We are redeemed and forgiven of all of our sins (Colossians 1:14)
·We are valuable to God (see Matthew 10:29-30) – He bought us at an incredibly high price.

Maybe you already believe those things. Maybe your identity is already in God instead of in the world. To you I say “yea you. That’s awesome. And I hope one day I can join you there.”

Maybe this is all brand new to you. Maybe you’ve never heard any of these things before. I’ve been there. That’s my story. I’m sad that you’ve never heard those things before, but I also have so much hope for you, because I know how drastically your life can change. It won’t be an overnight process. God sent His only Son to die on a cross so that you could have a relationship and spend eternity with Him. Only a loving God would do that. He says that when you seek Him with all of your heart, you’ll find Him. Start seeking. Read the Bible. If you don’t know where to start, try starting in one of the Gospels or in the book of Romans. Talk to people who are farther along in this journey. Pray to God, and ask Him to show you that this is His truth, not mine.

But maybe you’re somewhere in the middle. Maybe you’re struggling with all of this. You’ve heard some of this before, but you still don’t quite believe that it’s actually true about you. I admire your honesty and humility. It’s a hard place to be, especially when others around you seem to get it. Maybe all you can do right now is to sit with the question of whether or not God really does love you. He knows where you are. Ask Him the question. He’s not frustrated with you for asking; He’s actually waiting for you to ask so that He can show you that it’s true. I know that’s a lot to ask, and I know it’s risky. For so long I didn’t believe that God really loved me. The world sure didn’t, so why would God? The only advice I can give you is to tell Him that you want to believe what He says, but that you don’t just yet, and that you need Him to show you how He feels about you. He will. Remember that it will take some time – tending to your heart isn’t an overnight process. And be prepared for that to happen in some unexpected ways.

I’ll never forget one day, just a few weeks ago, I was really sad and feeling pretty unloved. I don’t remember why; there probably wasn’t any one particular reason. I told God that a phone call from a certain friend would make me feel better. That person didn’t call. Instead, when I got back to my office after lunch, there were a card and a vase of flowers from one of the girls I work with. She knew I was having a bad day and wanted to cheer me up. I felt so loved when she did that. It was like God was saying to me, “tell me what you need, but don’t tell me how to meet your needs. Get rid of your own plans and let me love you my way.” God certainly didn’t meet my need to feel loved like I thought He would, but He met that need nonetheless. In that moment, I knew that he loved and valued me.

Maybe it seems like a pretty small thing – they were just flowers from a friend. I get that. But in that moment, I felt in my heart that God was looking down on me, showing me that I was His beloved daughter. In that moment, God’s love defined me and healed one of the many broken places in my heart. So please, don’t stop asking. Ask God to show you what He thinks about you. And ask Him to give you the eyes to see what He’s trying to show you. You can’t change your view of yourself or your view of God by yourself. If you’re like me, you’ve probably tried that many times with no success. You need God’s help – that’s where His grace meets our lives.

Rahab may have started her story as a prostitute on the bottom rung of the social ladder, but she became the person that God created her to be. He showed her grace and gave her a new identity – one of righteousness; of God’s own child. She risked greatly but trusted God with her life and her heart, and her life was never the same again. God wants that for you too. He wants you to live out of the new identity that He’s already given to you. He wants to define you. Will you let Him?

Exit Ramps

If life really is a highway, as we used to sing, then what happens when we realize that the road we’re on doesn’t go to the destination that we’d originally thought? How do we get off, change directions, and take a new path? How do we even know when we need to get off?

Let me back up. I recently read a book called Angry Conversations with God, written by Susan Isaacs. In it, she described a season in her life that she calls her “middle class white girl’s dark night of the soul.” It’s that crisis in life that doesn’t compare to a “real” crisis – Darfur, for example – but is very real and very painful to the person actually living it. God’s presence is nowhere to be found.

She was describing my life. God’s presence is nowhere to be found.

I know, theologically, that He’s here. He says He’ll never leave me nor forsake me, and I believe that. It’s all I’ve got. And, of course, there are certain fingerprints that He leaves behind. He hasn’t abandoned me – it’s just that I can’t hear His voice or feel His presence in the ways that I could before.

Maybe that’s a good thing. Maybe that’s the only way that we grow. Fabulous. I’m all for growth. This still sucks.

I’ve been on the same highway all of my life. Sure, it’s had some pretty major curves in it, but overall, it’s been the same road. It’s the road that I got on as soon as I was able to make decisions for myself.

It’s the road of the status quo. It’s the road of careers, paychecks, and keeping up with the Joneses. It’s the road of believing that the abundant life is one of luxury cars, home ownership, and a nice wardrobe. It’s the road of quiet submission to popular beliefs and cultural pressures. And I’m leading the parade.

I followed it through high school and college. I vowed I’d get off, that I’d do things differently and pursue what my heart thought was important. I underestimated the difficulty and the unpopularity of that goal, so I stayed on the road I’d been on and watched as the exit went by.

God caught up with me one day a few years back and screwed up both my head and my ability to stay on the Highway of Misplaced Values for the rest of my life. He showed me that there was this thing called grace – that when Jesus died on the cross, my sins were forgiven and I was adopted into His family. Eternity was a guarantee, if I’d choose to accept it. It wasn’t exactly a hard sell. It was a giant curve in the road, but the road didn’t change. I was going to heaven and I had hope, but what did that really do for me right now?

Which brings me to where I am now. For the past few years, God has been trying to teach me who He says I am. What He says flies directly in the face of what the culture says, although to be fair, I like what He says better. The problem is that He’s pretty quiet and the culture is deafening. It isn’t that I don’t want to believe Him. It’s just that I’m busy, the world is loud, and His truths go against everything that I’d ever heard or believed. I’m far too proud – I trust my own views of myself and the world far more that I trust His. Sadly, I haven’t have either the motivation to discover what He really thinks towards me or the determination to believe it.

Until now. It almost feels like He gave me an ultimatum: “Figure out and choose to believe what I say, or this is as far as you’re going to go. It’s your choice – you can either keep going down this road, or you can get off at the next exit, and your life will be forever changed. But you can’t do this halfway anymore. There’s a world out there that’s not only desperate to hear these same truths but also desperate to see them lived out. You have no idea what’s in store for you if you’ll just trust Me.”

It’s like there’s a sign up ahead: Exit, One Mile. I want to take it. Will I?

The Journey Continues...

When I started this blog, my intention was to use it to chronicle my trip to Paris. I didn’t know what I’d do with it when I came back – I honestly hadn’t given it a lot of thought. I guess I thought that the journey would end once I came home. That’s not exactly what happened, though. In many ways, the journey is just beginning.

I can’t remember who I’ve told and who I haven’t – there are a whole lot of you – so I’ll just drop the bomb here: I’m going back. Yep. I’m going back to Paris - for a while this time. I’m hoping to find a short-term internship/project/thing to get involved with for about six months.

I imagine this will raise a lot of questions. And the answer to nearly all of them is: Je ne sais pas. I don’t know. The other answers are:
· No, I don’t speak French, but I’m learning.
· Yes, I will have health insurance before I leave the country.
· Yes, I understand this sounds insane.
· Yes, you can come visit, and if I have a home, you can even stay there.
· No, I can’t estimate how much the cell phone bill will be.
· Yes, I have Skype. See above.
· Yes, I truly believe that this is what God is asking me to do.

Sound crazy? It feels crazy. It feels very out of control. Fortunately God is bigger than my little human-sized brain understands. Maybe sharing the story will help to shed some light on how I’ve come to this decision.

I was intrigued by the idea of doing missions in Europe ever since I heard people around Woodcrest talk about it. It connected with my background of growing up in an ineffective church and walking away from it – and now wanting to help break that trend. Maybe I just figured it would be a convenient excuse to travel. I don’t know.

I had the opportunity to go on one of these trips in September. I wish I could put into words what I felt and experienced there, but I don’t think those words exist. I felt it the instant I walked out of the Metro station the first day we were there. It felt like home – like I could live there. That’s an experience that’ll screw up your head – going to a foreign city and instead of thinking about going to see the Eiffel Tower you start thinking about moving across an ocean.

I remember talking about coming back home, and all I wanted to do was to scream “No! I’m not ready to leave!” I didn’t say anything, because, really, the whole thing is a little strange. I mean, seriously – that’s just this side of crazy. Normal people don’t go someplace for ten days, feel a connection, and then plan to move there. But then again, I wouldn’t consider myself normal.

I’ve often prayed for what breaks God’s heart to break my own heart. I think that happened there. There was a heaviness that I could feel. I can’t explain it. There was a sense of loneliness and hopelessness that seemed to just hang in the air. You could see it in people’s eyes. Maybe I felt it and saw it because it’s a part of my story. I’ve been down that road – the road of wanting to do life on my own, of choosing not to need other people, and of trying to live without a relationship with God. Been there, done that. I get it. But God got a hold of me and changed my life – and He used regular people to do it. Maybe now it’s my turn to be one of those people.

Looking back, I can see God’s fingerprints on this whole thing. I never really wanted to go back to church, and yet God put me at Woodcrest. There aren’t a lot of churches that do missions work in Western Europe, and yet I ended up at one. Hundreds of people could have gone on the trip, and yet I got to go. The cost of a trip like that is quite high, and yet, through some very generous gifts and a sweet tax return, I only had to save around $100. We went during our busy season at work, and yet I was allowed to take vacation.

I don’t believe in coincidences, but even if I did, I doubt I could chalk all of that up to sheer coincidence.

So there you have it. I’m going to Paris – eventually. It’s a little scary to say it out loud – or to post it online for everyone and their cousin’s uncle to read – because the reality is that it might never happen. I guess at this point that’s a risk I’m willing to take.

Final Things

Well, it's Saturday night. We leave tomorrow morning. I'm not sure how I feel about that. On the one hand, I'm ready to see friends and family and get back to the life I left behind. On the other hand, this has been an amazing experience. I'm never ready to let go of amazing experiences. So, I'm torn emotionally.
I do know this much: While God wants us to enjoy the experiences, He grows us in the implementation. Discovery without application is nothing more than temporary pleasure. This trip had meaning in and of itself; however, I think the real journey will begin once I get home. There's a lot that I still need to process. I don't know how exactly I've changed; I just know I'm not the same. Clarity would be nice, but I have faith that it will come.
I guess my greatest fear is that I'll have some clarity and that it will soon fade. I think that's a problem that we all face. We get excited about making a change in our lives. It lasts for a while, but then it gets hard and we revert back to our comfortable old habits. I know that's the case in my life.
One of the take-away messages is that of valuing people over things. I want to make that a priority in my life and see what that could look like. There are other pieces to this puzzle, however. I just don't know what they all are.
This has been such an incredible journey. I am so blessed to have had this experience - not just to spend time in Paris enjoying the city and seeing what life and church are like here, but also to get to know this amazing group of women even better. I wouldn't trade this opportunity for anything in the world. God is so good. I want to find rest in that.
Au revoir from Paris. I can't wait to see you all and share this journey with you face-to-face. See you soon!

Things and People

I've been in awe of how beautiful things are here. I'm sure you're aware of that - it's kind of been a theme. I spent part of the day today sitting in the garden in front of the Louvre and walking along the Seine. Not a bad way to spend a Friday afternoon. I've been thinking a lot about how pretty it is here and how much the French seem to value beauty. It's not something I can relate to very well. I usually don't take the time to really enjoy what I'm looking at back home. I don't think a lot of us do. But it's not just taking the time - it's also the value placed on the appearance of things. Back home, we tend to want things that are convenient and efficient. We build wide, ugly roads so that more cars can fit. We build massive, hideous buildings because it's cheaper and quicker than making them look pretty. We just seem to value different things. I don't know if one way is better than the other; I can just see that there are other ways of doing things. At the very least, I'll never be able to look at Wal-Mart quite the same way.

Here's where I spent my day:

As you can see, I discovered the black and white setting on my camera. The building is the Musee d'Orsay.

Anyway, as I was sitting in the midst of all of this, I was processing why I was so enthralled with what I saw - and why it really mattered. The truth is, while I've been fascinated by the extreme beauty I've seen, I've been wondering about the whole story. What does all of this mean? Where is God in any of this?

The reality, of course, is that it's all His creation, whether or not anyone is willing to recognize and accept that. Regardless of what is believed, He is still always present. Maybe this is His way of reaching out to those who live here. I don't know.

But for a few moments this afternoon, I believe I had a glimpse into God's perspective. The beauty of the things around us isn't what matters. The difference between here and home is where we place our value. As beautiful as things are, I don't want to spend my life focusing on things. I want to value people. It seems obvious but that's the piece that I've been missing. I never realize how closed my eyes really are until God opens them. It was as if He was telling me that while He wants us to appreciate and value the things that He's created, He really wants us to focus on the people that He's created. It's amazing how simple that sounds, and it's a little embarrassing that it took a trip across the ocean for me to get it. But, I guess sometimes we need to get out of our comfort zones in order to see things in a different way. To me, that's the real difference between cultures with God and cultures without God. I'd much rather see the value and beauty in a friend than in a river or a garden. I'd rather discuss faith than art. I'd rather spend my time in an ugly restaurant having a real conversation with someone I love than spend my time in a pretty little park discussing only superficial things. Yes, this trip has certainly changed me. My perspective has shifted. My prayer is that I'll never forget these lessons and that I'll make them a priority. If that's all I can take home with me, then this trip will have been more than worth it.

The Plans He Has...

It's Thursday night, which means that we only have two more days here. It seems like we've been here a really long time, but I'm not quite ready for it to end yet. We spent the day at Versailles today. We got to see the palace and the home of Marie Antionette. The homes were cool, but the gardens were beyond amazing. I think there are around 250 acres of gardens. They're all immaculate. The trees are all sculpted, and there are tons of flowers - it's absolutely beautiful. I took a ton of pictures, but my photo software has chosen not to work properly right now, so I can't upload anything.

Marie met us for dinner at a nice Italian restaurant. I had bruschetta and some tortellini with asparagus. It was delightful. I'm really going to miss the food when I come home.

I'm really tired right now. I think I may have suddenly adjusted to Paris time, because it feels really late - it's almost midnight. At least we're sleeping in tomorrow.

Tomorrow is our spiritual retreat day. We're all going to spend time alone with God. I'm looking forward to it. I hope and pray that I'll get some sense of direction and clarity about what all of this means and what direction my life should take when I get home. One of the things that I struggle with the most is trust. I would really like for God to show me the answers on my time schedule instead of His. I know that there are things that He's called me to do, and I know that I'm not ready to do those things right now, but I have a really hard time staying patient and trusting that He'll provide everything I need and that His time schedule is best. I know His plans are to "prosper me and not harm me; to give me hope and a future" (Jer 29:11), but it's so hard to wait. I do have hope - I have hope for many things. I know that one day I will stand face to face with God, ready to spend eternity with Him. I look forward to that day. I have hope that tomorrow can bring amazing things, and I have hope that God can use my life for His glory if I choose to let Him. I just feel unsettled right now, and I long for His peace.

And with that, I'm off to bed. Love and hugs from Paris!

Life in France

I'm so not adjusted to Paris time. It's nearly 11:00 and I'm nowhere near ready for bed. I guess it doesn't help that we stay up until at least 1:00 - usually later - playing on the internet and watching Flight of the Conchords on YouTube. (Seriously though, check that out. Foux De Fa Fa and Beautiful Girl are the best. We've had the Foux De Fa Fa song in our heads all day.) We've decided that staying up late eating bread and cheese (but not the Camambert that smells like feet) is the way to go. It's amazing how much energy and how little sleep we've had. Just my advice for those of you traveling overseas. Take it for what it's worth.

We had a really good day today. We started by having a long breakfast (three hours or so) and just talking and spending time together. It was great to have some good conversations and to process some of what's going on.

After breakfast we went to the Musee d'Orsay, which has a lot of the Impressionist work - Matisse, Monet, Van Gogh, etc.. I don't get really excited about art. It's cool and stuff, but it's just really not my thing. Even so, some of the paintings were quite impressive. I'm amazed at how they could paint those giant paintings. Enjoy some art - Monet, Degas, Matisse, and another Monet:

We went to dinner at Marie's apartment tonight. She made crepes - we had chicken and cheese for dinner and Nutella and banana for dessert. They were fabulous. Her apartment has a nice view of the Eiffel Tower - imagine waking up, looking out the window, and seeing the Eiffel Tower. How amazing would that be?! At night, it's lit with blue lights. For the first 10 minutes of each hour, it sparkles from top to bottom. It's the most awesome thing I've ever seen! I tried to take pictures but they didn't really turn out. Stacey got some great shots of that and of the sun setting over the city, so I'll try to steal some of hers at some point.

I'm sure I've already mentioned how beautiful the city is. It's really left a huge impression on me though. The French really value savoring the beauty of life. I wish there was a way to describe what it's like here. I know I'm not seeing the entire picture. I've only been here a week, and I've only seen a very small portion of the city. As a visitor, it's impossible to really understand what everyday life is really like. And yet, there are things that you see that do reflect life here. For example, meals are a presentation. It's not just about the quality of the food (although it's excellent), it's also about the appearance of the food and the atmosphere of the experience. For example, when we had dinner at La Fonderie on Monday, we offered to bring paper plates - a major convenience since we wouldn't have to do dishes. We'd eat on paper plates in a heartbeat at home. They wouldn't hear of the idea. Real meals are eaten on real plates. The French take pride in the appearance of everything.

On those same lines, the French people are far different from what I expected. The belief that a lot of people have in the States is that the French are rude American-haters. I've experienced the exact opposite. Sure, there are a few bad apples, but overall, the people are incredibly nice and are willing to help anyone. There's a guy who lives in our building who was coming in one day as we were headed out. He greeted us with a very friendly "Bonjour!" How often would that happen in the States? They're also patient with us when we try our very limited French and are willing to use the English that they know (which is generally quite a bit) to help us get what we need. It's funny - we'll be in a restaurant ordering a meal and will try to pronounce the French words, and the waiter will respond and answer any questions that we have in English. After we're all done, there's a chorus on "Merci!" from all eight of us. I have a feeling that they get a kick out of us using the five words that we know. They certainly seem to appreciate our efforts.

The pace of life seems to move a little slower here as well. Sure, people hurry from work to the Metro to home, but when they have down time, they seem to make the most of it. Maybe that's more of a perception than a reality, but at the same time, I haven't seen any "15 minutes or it's free" lunch menus. Life just seems good here.

And yet...something's not quite right. It's impossible to put into words; you'd have to experience it to really understand. The best way I can explain it is that it just feels heavy. I don't know if that makes sense or not. To be honest, it doesn't really seem all that clear to me. I know what's missing. I know enough about their history to understand why it's missing. I don't know how to bring it back. And I don't know how to explain this weight that I feel. I want to find the words to explain it because I want people at home to get a glimpse of what's really going on over here. Many people don't have a clue that most people here don't know God. They don't know who God is or that He wants so badly to have a relationship with all people. Since Europe was such a center of Christianity for so long, many people back home don't realize how much things have changed. It's hard to imagine living in a place with no hope. God has certainly not abandoned them, but He is quite the gentleman and won't force His way into a relationship that isn't desired. I know I'm ranting a little, and I don't know if this makes a lot of sense. I'm trying to process everything myself, and I have to admit that having this blog was a selfish decision because I need to write everything down so that I can process it.

We're getting up early tomorrow to go to Versailles...so I'm going to bed.